Lots of feels this morning...

I feel resentful towards A. The only reason I was looking at jobs in Florida was because he wanted to move there. Once I found the VB job I was super excited about it, and ready for a change, but then it didn't work out and I got stuck scrambling for my next move. Yes, it's my fault for proactively telling landlords I MIGHT be moving, but then ever since then it's been a sense of me being on my own. If you are in a relationship you should be a TEAM, and supportive of one another. I feel like I've been making all these decisions as if I'm a single person, with no regard to how it affects him. And if that's the case why the hell are we together? Its giving me the push I need to make a change, but it's upending my life while his stays the same. 

I had been planning to go to Spain in September, have been saving money for over a year. Now that has to be put on hold- bc I'm starting a new job and/or will need to use that money towards a car, moving, etc. Leaving my current job, where I have a ton of security, make good money, have a ton of vacation time, is scary. I'm not second guessing myself- the idea of staying here through the fall/for another lacrosse season fills me with dread- but knowing that I'm most likely going to to take a cut in salary/benefits  and likely not be able to go to Spain/have the financial stability I'm used to is frustrating.

And then of course I ride my bike past the homeless shelter on the way to work, and I start to feel guilty feeling this way. I have a job, and/or can find another, I have savings, people who support me, I'm luckier than a lot of people out there. But I still can't seem to shake this feeling.

Lives Matter.

I'm sad. I'm sad that there continue to be deaths of black men while in custody of the police. I'm sad that these instances cause violent protests, and mistrust of the police. I'm sad that the city that I love is in the spotlight for the death of Freddie Gray. I'm sad for Gray's family for losing someone they love. I'm sad for Ferguson, MO and Michael Brown, and Charleston, SC and Walter Scott. I'm sad that it's 2015 and there are still racial tensions in the United States.

But I'm also proud. I'm proud of those protesters who are stopping traffic to get their voices heard. I'm proud of the police men and women who continue to do their jobs while getting spit on, yelled at, and constantly having their lives in danger. I'm scared for them all too. For the people who go against the grain and speak up for what they believe in, the fear of retribution is there. Just ask Martin Luther King or Malcolm X.

Black lives matter. White lives matter. Men's lives matter, women's lives matter, children's lives matters, Muslims, Christians, Jewish, Hindu, Gay, Transgender- HUMAN lives matter. Plan and simple, everyone on this planet deserves to be treated with respect. Whether it be because of race or religion, gender or sexuality, people should not lose their lives for it.

Finance Challenge

I am terrible with money. Well, maybe not terrible, but definitely not great. I do my best to save, but anything outside of what gets immediately deposited into my savings account I will spend. Quickly. I can't help myself, I like to eat out, I like to shop and I like to buy things for people. The good thing is I do have a savings account so not like Im broke, but i still could do better.

However I am great with challenges. I am stubborn and like to prove people wrong, so saying I can't do something, or challenging me to something is ideal. I'm currently wrapping up the 31 day writing challenge, am in the middle of a healthy living challenge and about to start a squat challenge today. Not to say I'm perfect at them (I tend to slip up on occasion) but they inspire me to be greater and to do great.

That is why I think I need to find a finance challenge, or set one up for myself. One year I put aside every $5 bill that crossed my path, I managed to save $300! I think if I had to document every thing I spent I would be less likely to see my credit card bill slowly creeping up.  I need to treat my credit as if it were my real bank account. If I can create a habit of checking my finances and being mindful of what I spend I won't feel like I am always struggling to keep up. I think this would help my state of mind and help me to be less anxious and more happy.

Not sure yet what it will entail but plan to think on this and decide soon.

Expectations v Needs

I receive a variety of e-newsletters everyday, but one of my favorites comes from Refinery29. It's a good mix of news, fashion, finance, and celebrity gossip, and is written well. Today they featured a Q&A with this guy Kevin Lynch who only used AirBnB for an entire year while traveling for work in China.  (Here is his instagram account- YearBnB) Lynch made a statement that really stood out to me:

"Too often, we focus only on our expectations rather than our needs. This week, the lock on the front door was really difficult to open. Now, I could send a tweet expressing my dismay over the lock, post a status update about my terrible, terrible day, or send off a missive to Airbnb wondering why they would possibly allow this BS in their community. Or, I could fidget with the lock for a few more minutes until the front door opens. My expectation is that a front-door lock should be easy, and it wasn't. But, my need was for the front door to open, and it did."

How often do we get caught up in what EXPECT, instead of what we truly only need. I love his example of the door lock, because it's a testament to the powers of patience. There is never any reason to let a simple thing like a jammed door lock get the best of your day, it's a waste of energy and emotions. So many times we as a society take for granted what we have when so many others suffer from lack of need.

I constantly am in a battle with my roommate over the thermometer. She likes it set to 64, I hate to be cold so bump it up to 68 (or 70, depending on my mood). Sometimes I get internally grumbly about these things, but what is the point? I live in a great house with working heat. I have extra clothes I can put on if I'm cold. There are so many other people out there who are homeless and ride the bus around the city just to fill their need for warmth. I should focus on how lucky I am that my basic needs are met, instead of expecting more, more, more.

What situations do you often find yourself in where you let your expectations get the best of your needs?

Just Start

A few weeks ago I stumbled upon Gretchen Rubin and her Happiness project. I signed up for her "21 Days to a stronger Relationship" newsletter and am currently reading her book "Happiness at home". I have a lot more to say about her books and being Happy-could write a post or two-but this post comes out of something I read this evening on her blog.

She recently had a Q&A with author/journalist Bridget Schulte, who wrote the book "Overwhelmed: Work, Love and Play When No One Has the Time." When asked what advice she'd give her 18 year old self, Schulte had this to say:

"One of the most powerful strategies for changing behavior, changing the way we think and use time was this: Just Start.  Sometimes we overthink things. And sometimes, the brilliant Udaya Patnaik of the design firm, Jump Associates, told me, it’s easier to act ourselves into a new way of thinking, than it is to think ourselves into a new way of acting."

This really stood out to me. As someone who has wanted to write a book for years, I still have yet to complete a single chapter. I'm ashamed to say it. I've set goals for myself, I've outlined half a book on notecards, and yet nothing. I feel like I do Coach T a disservice by saying I even took one of her webinars and STILL didn't follow through!

I'm not sure why I'm holding myself back. Am I scared the book will suck? not get published? I know I'd be my biggest critic. I'm a voracious reader, and half the stuff I read I know I could do better. (not to sound conceited) I've had amazing ideas for book concepts over the years, and not followed through. Over the weekend I read this YA series that had a similar concept to something I came up with years ago. It wasn't written exactly how I would have gone about it, but that fact that it is published, and a trilogy nonetheless, is so irksome to me. 

So here I go. I'm done holding back, done being scared, done putting it off. My new goal for the writing challenge is to work on my book for at least 30 minutes a day. Hopefully some days it will be more, but I am making the promise to myself to Just Start. 

I AM an Author, and Authors write.

31 Day Writing Challenge

Writing is my best outlet, yet sometimes I neglect to do it. When I keep everything bottled up I start to feel the pressure build up, like a coke can that's been placed in the freezer. it might explode, but it might not, either way you shouldn't leave it in there for too long. That's how I feel when I don't write. Sometimes my feelings, negative or positive, will go away, but sometimes it eats away at me until I lose it.

That's why I've decided to participate in a 31 day writing challenge for the month of March. Hopefully it will encourage me to express myself more often in the best way for me. Whether it be a quick handwritten journal entry, a blog, a letter to someone, or getting my ass in gear with writing my novel(s), my goal is to get (back) in the habit of writing. My mental health will benefit greatly, as will my bank account if I get a book published!

The first 3 days I was on vacation and wrote quick handwritten journal entries. Today I made a list of blog topics that have been swimming in my head for a while. The plan is to flesh them out and make them into thorough posts. I may not update this blog everyday, but it will be one of my many writing outlets for this month, and hopefully more regularly going forward.